Yep, I'm Gay
Three months have passed since my absolutely terrifying Kundalini Rising/Truth Awakening experience. I didn't address what earth-shattering revelation occurred to me during that experience in my last blog, because I know myself well enough to know I needed time to stew in the juices of it – to be certain of it - before I make some public declaration. For the first ten weeks since the Awakening, I was depression-free for the first time in my life. My intuition was off the charts, my right-brain was so very much more prominent than the left for the first time ever. If you haven't studied neurology (as a yoga teacher/student you really should), to put it briefly, the right-brain is what makes you feel at one with the universe, makes you feel compassion, gratitude, empathy – basically all the warm fuzzy stuff that makes living life a love-bubble, which made the yoga classes I was teaching amazing! This was such a huge rush rather than the analytical, obsessively ruminating, critical, cynical, left-brain (we need both for balance) being the side that is usually dominant.
As a person who is in a constant state of recovery from a concussion, an extremely-near-death experience, addiction to alcohol, and mental illness, I felt my right brain was fully lit-up for ten weeks after the Awakening. Perhaps I was just happy to be alive after the psychotic break. After ten weeks, I could feel a balance shifting, depression returning, left-brain impatiently and angrily demanding attention. I had to figure out why and how this was happening and how I could balance it, and as soon as I realized that I need to come out of the closet, not just to myself, but publicly, as lesbian, the depression lifted, and there seems to be a current balance of left and right brain. I am still lightly medicated, make no mistake, but seem to have achieved a really steady balance. I am bipolar, so a steady balance is something I must monitor and regulate closely and carefully.
During the Awakening, I saw clearly – actually hallucinated a map on my bedroom ceiling of puzzle-pieces coming together to create unity. It is far too much to tell the tales of my past sex-addiction with men, starting at a young age. Just like rape, sex addiction isn't about sex at all, it's about POWER. Hey, it got me far, it literally built this house I'm in, which I'm grateful for – no regrets. The article I wrote called “Born Naked” forced me to really take a long, hard look at myself, and wonder why I had turned myself into an über-feminine drag persona. When I was a dancer, I started out very rock n' roll, very much wearing black, silver, red – very aggressive. Coming from a business management background, I did market research and found that the more soft, pink and girly I portrayed myself as, the amount of money I made literally doubled.
Yoga is about authenticity. The past five years, since my near-death, have been a struggle and an inward exploration as to WHY that incident happened, questioning my own inner-saboteur and death-wish, and subsequently learn how to strive to flip that script. For the last three years I have been celibate, to the point of hardly even masturbating either. I allowed my sexuality to lay dormant, as I delved extremely deep into psychedelic therapy (ayahuasca, magic-mushrooms and LSD) to try to get at the root of my mental illness and suicidal ideation. Thankfully, I have no distractions, am fully independent, and have the freedom/luxury of being able to take the time and space to explore within. No kids, no boss, no employees, no land-lord – I've created a life for myself so that instead of being locked up in a rubber room somewhere, I have a simple, self-contained life in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Am I rich? Hell no. Every cent I had was stolen by a Panamanian con-artist, something from which I am still recovering. But, thankfully I am rich in being able to explore deep inner recesses of the mind in a truly paradisaical set and setting.
Long-story-short I am a lesbian, and looking back on my life there are so many rainbow-flags that were flying high the whole time, that I really should have noticed! I wouldn't call them “red flags”, because they weren't negative. Quite the opposite, the rainbow-flags were vibrant. I am so optimistic now, to move forward, on this year that I turn 50-years old, to be a lesbian with love and compassion and yearning for true connection, even if this is in a world of intolerance and misunderstanding. I lived in denial for so long, and used sexuality as a destructive and lucrative force. Every single one of my hetero relationships were cyclones of toxicity. When this revelation first hit me, my first reaction was that of sadness, of a life wasted. What kind of life I could have built if I had known the truth about myself from the beginning. Actually the truth was apparent when I was seven years old, but it was derailed by a military man, and growing up in a military family, one thing girls are taught are to not question authority. I was taught by the pervy military man that I could command attention, and that led me on a life-long pattern of ugliness wrapped up in a pretty bow – the easy way out. I have to cut myself some slack though – if it wasn't for that military man fucking with my head and sexuality when I was only seven, then perhaps I would have had the chance to blossom naturally. This goes to show who utterly destructive and downright evil sexual abuse, assault and harrasement are – it can destroy lives. I am proud of the women in the world who are standing up and being vocal about their stories, and that is why I share mine with you. If this helps one person come to grips with themselves, gives one person hope, helps one person come out of the closet, then I am fulfilled to have made a difference. As of this writing, I am still celibate, but this time not by choosing. I have an open heart for a loving, compassionate lady to enter my life. I'm far too old and world-weary for mere hookups. I am open to a loving relationship, and feel optimistic.
Here is video footage of me on my 49th birthday, during that liquid LSD trip that spurred on the awakening. Look at my eyes in this video – they are not full of fear, not full of pain, not full of uncertainty, but full of wonderment and awe at the beauty of this universe, and no room for not living my lesbian truth.